Dear Lauren,

I am sorry that I was so careless tonight. I am sorry that I was so inconsiderate to those behind me that I blocked you for an entire 2…maybe 3 seconds. That is time that I took from you, carelessly. I know this sounds sarcastic and insincere. I assure that it is not. I am truly, deeply sorry. I hope you can forgive me. I hope your sleepless nights thinking about my douchebaggery will soon be replaced by feelings of admiration for someone who can see his mistake, and repent.

Seeing you in person only escalated my feelings for you. You are unbelievably beautiful on television and are even better looking in person. I know you are thinking the same about me. Please forgive me. Please dump your boyfriend. He took you to a terrible movie theater. I know the Landmark is considered “nice” but it is pretty crappy. Why is the bathroom so far away? Please go out with me?! You are so hot. Monday nights will never be the same.

your one true love,

- j